Conversation with Shan about Gender-Open Parenting
Conversation with Shan about Gender-Open Parenting
Part 2
We continue here our conversation with Shan, who is a parent of two children in the United States. Part 1 of our conversation, published in July and linked here, described her family and explained their decision to raise their child gender-open. This Part 2 goes deeper into their experience.
Q- What does it mean practically to raise an gender-open child? What does it require?
It basically requires an openness to all kinds of gender expression. For us that has meant some proactive steps to give positive messaging about and examples of different combinations of body parts, gender expression, and sexual orientation. So many terms to learn and keep learning! But it helps me breakdown the full spectrum of human experience. My oldest kid and I talk a lot, using terms that make sense to them, and the simple positive communication around “What pronouns do you want to use?” and “Some people who don’t want to be considered either girls or boys and that’s okay” goes a long way in giving the five year old words and building blocks to form their own opinions.
For the younger child, it’s been more through intentional choices around their life than direct communication with them. This is primarily due to me keeping my conversations with them to my limited ability in their heritage language to encourage their continued use of the language. On a daily level, I make sure they have a range of clothing colors and styles and - if they are not choosing for themself - I choose clothes that could be considered either femme or masculine. The clothes can be significant because it signals to strangers how to interact with my child. I do not correct people who “misgender” my child because I do not believe the child has chosen a gender that someone can get wrong. I encourage a wide range of sporty as well as more quiet activities to avoid my child associating with activities more commonly assigned to one gender. I change pronouns and storylines in the books I read or select books that have supportive language around diversity of gender expression. I involve my kid with my friendships with families that reflect gender openness. I fill out forms using the they/them pronoun option for the kid and ask this of friends and relatives, teachers and medical offices.
Q - What were/are the responses of others who interact with your child? (Family members, teachers, parents of the child’s friends, etc)
The reactions range from surprise to curiosity to delight. Unless someone has asked “Is your child a boy or a girl?” it really doesn’t come up. The kid is just a kid doing kid things until an adult or curious child raises a question of sex/gender. Depending on how I gauge the situation (do I feel safe? is this relationship important or temporary? will I be understood?) I might choose a gender/sex randomly or say something like “we are waiting until they tell us their gender” or “we are not really sharing their sex.” I’d say strangers - often adults caring for kids at the park we’re at - will either take my response in and roll with it or give the briefest skeptical pause. I have never run into outright hostility. I have not noticed different reactions from the kids’ friends - but right now that is a whole world of exchanges I do not see while they are in preschool. I honestly believe it does not come up because the 2 year old has not talked through the concepts of gender/sex and asserting a preference. They are still navigating expressing themselves in English.
Q - Your child is still young, but what are your conclusions about this at this point?
At this point, it feels so natural. Full disclosure, our family has multiple points at which we have made choices that family/friends/the world may find less than convenient: cloth diapering, raising our kids mostly vegan/plant-based. So this is just another value that we navigate living out. The biggest impact that I can see is on my conversations with friends/family who have started thinking about gender rules and roles, have learned how to use pronouns in new ways, and sometimes even change their own parenting/child caring practices. Also, the conversations I have with the older child are that much richer and deeper because they are learning with us and have, the way we do, their sibling as an example. The steps we have taken towards raising our kid in a gender-open way is not so different from raising a kid to be sensitive and strong, curious and kind. Some discomfort and growing required on our part to reset the world’s expectations, but totally worth it for the kid.
Questions for the author? Send to worldwithoutgender@substack.com and it may be selected for publication as part of the conversation.