Conversation with Shan about Gender-Open Parenting

Part 1

Photo by Liv Bruce on Unsplash

We had a conversation with Shan, who is the parent of two children in the United States.

Here is Part 1 of our discussion:

Q- Tell me about your family, including basic information like your ages, relationships, where you live (generally) and have lived, kids’ grades in school, and anything else.

My family includes me (35), my spouse (33), and two kids (5 and 3).  The kids are both in preschool and the oldest is looking forward to starting kindergarten. We live  on the West Coast of the United States. We have  spent some time living with relatives in another country. This may come up from time to time because I find myself making different choices around gendered language depending on where we are/who we are with - whether it feels safe, appropriate, worth it.

Q- Why did you (and your partner, if you can speak for them) decide to raise your child ungendered (or any other expression that more accurately expresses your choice)?

It actually started when we were pregnant with our first child. The choice of whether to ask the physician to tell us the sex of the child prior to birth and, in turn, our choice when/if to share that information with our friends and family. We made possibly the worst choice, which was to be told the sex of the child but then not share that with others. This proved problematic because it felt like we were hiding something from close loved ones - and it clearly was not very socially comfortable. It would have been much simpler to just not know like everybody else.

After the birth of our first child, the sex assigned at birth was freely and easily shared with others. The outpouring of love and support was there throughout. The difference came in the small things. Before knowing the sex, gifts were what are considered neutral colors: greens, yellows. After knowing the sex, we got a lot more clothes and colors associated with just the one sex.

Diversity of gender and sex expression has always fascinated me since I was a kid facing rules or differences in treatment based on my and my siblings’ sex. I wanted my kids to:

1. Know they were loved no matter what

2. Live their most authentic lives

3. Be a good friend to someone exploring gender expression

My spouse and I read-up on gender neutral parenting, read posts from families who were doing it, and talked through the whys and why nots. For our second child, born in the first few months of the COVID-19 pandemic, we had a unique opportunity to live out our values. We had a home birth and travel and visits from family were restricted by public health guidelines at the time. We informed our friends and family what we were planning to do - not share the assigned sex widely, use they/them pronouns - and asked for them to support us in this.

Gender neutral is a good term - I also have used gender open. Anything that sounds free, colorful, positive, and full of possibilities works for me. Because that is the kind of childhood (life, world) we want to give our kids.

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Questions for the author?  Send to worldwithoutgender@substack.com and it may be selected for publication as part of the conversation.