Thank you to WWG subscriber Ken B. for posing this important question to Shan about their gender-open parenting practice. Shan’s thoughtful, compassionate and optimistic response is a must-read for you and worth passing on to others.
Question from Ken B.: Gender-open parenting strikes me as a very exciting, bold idea with real potential to help many children. My only hesitation is that as a shy child who was acutely uncomfortable being seen as anything but totally normal, I think I would have hated being raised this way unless, perhaps, I was part of a very large, like-minded community. From what you’ve seen of families raising kids with gender openness, I’m wondering if this has been an issue for people.
Shan’s Response: A great question. I cannot speak of other families so much, but I can take another look at my own experience with acceptance/rejection in raising my kids gender-open. When is it hard as a parent? When it comes as an interaction that feels like a judgment by strangers, friends, or family. The grandparents just want to say they are proud of “him” or “her” - they forget our preference for they/them pronouns to be used with our kids and they are not sure it is worth the effort.
Friends ask: aren’t you setting the child up for failure by telling them they can be biologically what they are not? If I were not giving the kid as full a picture of sex/gender/orientation/expression as I have and plan to give as they grow and mature, I would be more worried here. But the conversation with the child is ongoing. It’s not some secret we keep, like preventing them from knowing what type of genitals they appear to have and how the world may perceive and attempt to organize their life based on that, but an offering of perspective, variety, and choice so they can push back on arbitrary limits. This is where radical love comes in. I know that they can change their body if they want to. I understand this to both be difficult and amazing. I want the child to understand that, whatever they choose to do in this regard, we hope that it comes from a place of loving themself and we love them no matter what.
From the child’s perspective, I am not sure. My youngest is going on 4 now and has not expressed a preference for a certain kind of pronoun. They have been referred to with she, they, and he pronouns, and called boy, girl, son, daughter, brother, sister, sibling. I haven’t picked up on the distinctions in these terms even mattering to my child yet. I do have a sense from my older child where the rub might be: in making a “mistake” or causing conversation around what is right amongst other kids. This goes to the concern of being anything but “normal.” Kids have all kinds of conversations with their peers. I imagine at some point - if not already - my child will refer to someone with a gendered term that does not match what other kids know/expect, purely for the reason that my kid has not learned to strongly associate gendered terms with themself or characteristics of others. These are the opportunities for embarrassment, confusion, even bullying.
I cannot say I do not worry about these experiences, but I have hope. I am hopeful that my child will discuss any issue with me or my spouse. I hope the caregivers and teachers are present enough to spot a good teaching moment that is gender-affirming for all and helps grow understanding. And I am hopeful that the experience will make my kid more prepared for the real complexities of being human. It is hard being a kid, but I strongly believe that giving my kid the breathing room to really think about gender instead of being constantly gendered allows them to be more comfortable with exploring who they are, and that will let them relate better to those around them.
A big caveat to all of this - both the ease of the choice by the parent/guardian(s) to raise a child gender-open and the potential difficulty faced by the child experiencing this upbringing- is privilege. Our family is already comfortably making other choices that are often seen as not normal or inconvenient to others: eating plant-based meals, not owning a car. Anyone who comes from a position of having less safety, health, money, and support might face greater challenges in making any of these choices.
This is no small thing. If what we are teaching our kids may one day be the way by which we all offer unconditional love to the next generation, then it has to be a choice that is safe and attractive to all people and all families, regardless of where they live, the color of their skin, or the money they have. Until we have achieved that, I am more worried about my kids modeling something unattainable for most than about them facing adversity from any of our choices raising them.
In other words, my kids are cushioned by many privileges - easy going personalities and parents with capacity to center certain values, to say the least. Conversely, many kids and their families would run a greater risk of being othered, ostracized, or otherwise socially/emotionally/physically injured if attempting some measure of gender-openness in a different context. It is not the same or safe for everyone.
Questions for the author? Send to worldwithoutgender@substack.com and it may be selected for publication as part of the conversation.